Well, it seems that Kendo constantly gives me a push to think about what and who I am. On that thought I should rename this blog to "kendo diaries".
Maybe some of you can relate to this with similar experiences, those that push our individual boundaries higher than they where before. It is so for me with this martial art that finally found me. I say found me because I am convinced that some teachings in life can only be achieved if you are ready for them, as the knowledge of some books tends to challenge their readers into giving up reading them, until after some appropriate amount of time passes and they feel the urge to pick challenge up for a second time.
Throughout my life I have tested many different martial arts, they have always had a rather strong pull on me generally speaking, and have found few to be of my liking. Some I did for several years, capoeira and tai-chi, others I just did until I found myself disappointed by them. In kendo I finally found a martial art I could commit myself to.
I dont know if you have sensed this, probably not, as I am very reserved about my past, but I have a somewhat complicated demon embedded in my soul. It is the demon of anger and frustration.
It was born over my school years out of the pain I had to endure being picked at by others. I was a puny little thin kid, that could not defend himself and was so naive and kind that he left himself open to attack most of the time. Every time I got hurt, I swallowed my anger. And with time it became a ball of flames compressed into my being. Whenever I was mad because of something, anything, a little of these flames burst out, an irrational white hot anger, that burned everything in its way. Bad shit, let me tell you. Until one day I vowed never to get angry again, because I had hurt a dear friend of mine, and myself in an outburst (crushed my left foot with a table, my friend got a chair thrown on his back). Since then I have been able to contain most of the fire inside me. It has not come out like that day again. But this containment has taken a great toll on my personality since I suppress nearly all of my flame related feelings. Excitement, passion, activity, annoyance, marvel, criticism. I have felt like an unlit candle for too long.
Through Kendo I have started to learn how to safely channel my fiery insides to the exterior, using the right dosage I feel very well in balance, defeating much of the paralysing fear that has controlled a good portion of my life. The warrior within me is rising and finally taking over, to not only win by sword-hand but in full capacity of his wits. It is likely that most of you do not think of me as a warrior-like person, let me tell you that I am, and maybe, if the stars stand right, you will see the glow in my eyes the next time we meet. A warm, strong and inquisitive gaze that I have kept looking to the floor for too long.
Today I have treated this blog as a diary I feel, I have poured a deeply rooted secret of my soul into these virtual lines. A diary is mainly a funnel for self reflection. A blog however is viewed by more than one. A diary is mostly kept in secret, a blog is pretty much a public message board. Why would someone write open to the public some of his best kept thoughts you might ask. Why not. I do not fear your sanction nor do I need it, since what I write is the objective truth of what I think and of who I am. I carry myself into the open, my head held up high, my feet steady in their stance, my hands hanging loosely to my sides knowing that whatever I encounter I will be able to handle.